I felt weak. Like a failure.
Overwhelmed and feeling outmatched. The loud voice of condemnation shamed me, that I couldn’t keep up. I couldn’t measure up. I felt powerless and paralyzed by fear.
Have I disappointed everyone? I thought. My husband, my children, family, co-workers, my patients, myself and ultimately God.
These are all the emotions that overwhelmed me, as I laid face down on the floor covered in a pool of tears, sobbing before God. I had no words to describe what I was feeling in this moment. There were no words to describe the deep pain that I felt.
I didn’t know who to talk to except God. I couldn’t talk to my husband about it because I assumed that he won’t really understand. So I wallowed alone in my pain, silently.
I was too afraid to let anyone see that I was weak and couldn’t do it all. Not even my own husband.
I had presented a resilient version of myself to everyone, to prove that I was strong enough to succeed at juggling it all. That is, succeed at building a great career, be a good wife and a perfect mom.
My mom who thankfully is a praying mom, with so much wisdom in her years, has always been a wise counsel to me. She could clearly see that I was physically taking on so much more than anyone could handle in the season of motherhood that I was in. With three little children and a demanding career.
Always rushing and running at breakneck speed to accomplish more, stretching myself too thin, my mom persistently cautioned me to slow down and reminded me that my children and family mattered most in this season.
But I didn’t know how to put the brakes on this crazy, frantic and out of control life that I was living. I couldn’t stop running and I couldn’t keep up.
Feeling trapped and stuck.
It seemed the only way out was a divine intervention from God.
What was I running after anyway? What was I truly in pursuit of?
Honestly, I couldn’t even tell you.
Was I simply running after success or what I thought was success, that I had lost the real purpose behind everything that I did?
All I know is that I felt so much pressure to keep going, aimlessly chasing after success without clearly defining what success truly meant. Can you relate?
The Pressure for More.
We’re always striving for more, to be more, to have more and are never fully content with what we have or where we are in the moment.
Why wasn’t I truly happy with all I had? On the outside, I looked successful. I had a great job and career, a wonderful husband and a beautiful family.
Yet, I wasn’t quite content with all that I had accomplished. Because all that I had achieved came with a gruesome price that had become too much for me to bear or keep up with.
The perfect and strong version of myself that I had presented to others was becoming too burdensome to uphold. So inevitably, I cracked under the pressure of it all.
In my weakness, I have found strength in 2 Corinthians 12:9 NLT, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.
“Despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.” ~ Romans 8:37, NLT
“Give your burdens to the LORD, and he will take care of you. He will not permit the godly to slip and fall.” ~ Psalm 55:22, NLT
To be continued next week in…Brave Surrender: When Weakness is Strength – Part 2